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58 NOVEMBER 2003 o&
Prof. Mike Baizerman thinks up
ten reasons for inter-generational conflict: It is very common to hear
teenagers say that adults don’t understand them and its very common to
hear adults say that teenagers don’t understand them!
&This kind of talk has been going on for years
and years. I want to look more closely at this complaint by putting it
into the context of adolescent-adult working relationships.
Someone wrote that there are three rules for writing
a good book. The problem is that no one knows these rules! My approach
is to say, without any proof whatsoever, that there are ten reasons for
everything, and, thus, ten reasons why it seems impossible for teenagers
and adults to work together.
The ten reasons
What follows are the ten reasons why adults and youth say it
seems impossible to work together.
1. Adults know what’s best for kids and
kids know what’s best for themselves.
This is one way to capture the basic tension of age as it is reflected
in the ideas of “experience” and “wisdom.” Like so much of
adolescent-adult relations, there are also issues of power, control, and
In the tribal and Hispanic cultures, as in parts of
the white world, older people are seen as wiser, as in possession of
something called “wisdom” and it is this which they have more of than do
teenagers. The older the person, the more “experience” he (or she) is
said to “have” and the greater the chance that the person will possess
wisdom. Wisdom is a special form of common-sense knowledge. When all of
this is put together, it comes out something like this:
“Older people have been around longer than teenagers
and they have more and better common-sense. This comes from having
experience. They know what makes sense. Their judgments are better. They
know what’s best for kids.”
On the other side, the teenagers want to decide for
themselves, sometimes with adult help and usually with help of their
friend(s).
Making decisions and choosing are two ways in which
people make themselves and make the future. This is a crucial way in
which we learn for ourselves what we believe, what we want and need — in
short, who we are.
Many times adults use the words “experience” and
“common-sense” as ways to prevent adolescents from “doing something
dumb” or from “getting hurt.” Many teenagers hear in these words that
the adult doesn’t “trust them” or have confidenc or
want them “to grow up.” Both adolescent and adult may be right!
2. Adults have experience and kids want
experience (but adults don’t want kids to experience what they — the
adults — experienced).
This is related to the first point, but is a little different. Hidden
inside the word “experience” is a secret: That (some of) the adults did
things when they were young which they now think was dumb or scary or
sad or bad or stupid, and/or they’re sorry for. Some adults truly want
to protect teenagers from the troubles and sadness and turmoil which
they, the adults, experienced when they were young. This is an
understandable motive but it has the consequence of keeping the young
person from exploring his/her own world and its possibilities for
themselves.
Yes, there may be danger and hurt or boredom in the
new experience, and there may be short and long term troubles resulting
from a single, basic, simple act, that is, from “experience.” This is
what “growing up” is about.
Again, both may be right. Perhaps the best that can
be hoped for is that kids will ask for adult guidance, and adults will
offer guidelines.
Guiding, not control through prevention, may be the
best strategy for both. It allows for wisdom and experiment, for age,
experience and possibility.
3. Adults want to take some time and
think it over, and kids want to do it yesterday.
Our clocks tell us that a second is short and every hour we see the news
on the television.
The kids’ radios and tapedecks tell time in the
rhythm of songs, not in community drums or the seasons of snow and
drought. Adult time is different from kid time. One is slower than the
one takes longer than the other. Slower is somehow thought to be
wiser, while the fast and the quick are probably wrong, some believe.
Slower, older and wiser vs. fast, young and naive. This is one form of
the age-old tension between generations, between adults and kids,
between children and their parents.
4. Adults want to talk (use words) and
kids want to act (do it).
Other forms of time are talk and action. Adults want to “talk it over,”
“talk about it,” “discuss it” and “meet about it,” while kids want to do
it. Now! Teenagers don’t seem to understand talk as a form of action and
commitment.
Adolescents may experience adult talk as a form of
preaching or teaching, or as a type of military tactic designed to
prevent or divert them from doing something. Many may experience adult
talk as a way to slow them down, confuse them, or transform their
adventure into something “educational,” i.e. without excitement
Talk may be a way to try to control the
unpredictable, the unknown and the possible. In religion and in tribal
life, stories, prayers and ceremonies may have, in part, this purpose.
Unfortunately, talk between people is far less common than talk
at someone or to someone. All over the world, talk seems to have a bad
name if it comes from the wrong person. Often, the wrong person is the
adult. Kids, like all of us, want from others support, encouragement,
trust and confidence. Instead they often hear “don’t” or “you shouldn’t”
or “you’ll see” or “you’ll be sorry!” They want to hear “You can do it,
but let’s talk about it first.”
The tension isn’t between talk and action, because
both are action. It is between encouragement and support, on the one
side, and the misguided attempt to control on the other. Sometimes it is
even simpler: it is just plain bad communication.
5. Adults think about consequences and
kids think about now (or tomorrow or next week).
Another aspect of time is found in consequences, the results of acts,
the future. “What will likely result” is an adult way of thinking about
their own plans and actions and the plans and actions of others. The
afterwards, later, is crucial for adults. For youth, the act may be
more important than its results. The joy lies in anticipation and
action, more than in result. The before and the now matter most
to teenagers.
Some of the great differences between adolescents
and adults are found here, in the land called “responsibility.” A
so-called responsible person is one who “thinks of consequences before
(s)he acts,” we say. But what if a person is not able to conceive of the
idea of consequences is truly unable to think about later? Could such a
person be thought of as responsible?
This is one way to think about the nature of
adolescence and what is called “adolescent development.” One aspect of
development is understanding time, and another is understanding cause
and consequence. Adolescents are not able to do this in the same way as
adults. The idea of “future” brings together the two and adds a third:
Maybe. “Now” and “before” and “later” and
“possibility” are complex ideas. For example: “If you brush your teeth
every morning and evening and rinse your mouth after meals, you are
likely to not get cavities now — or to lose your teeth when you are
sixty-five.”
This example is complex in several ways. The ideas
of “now” and “future” are pretty clear, but the idea of probability, or
maybe, is hidden in the word “likely.” If you do all these things, you
may or may not get cavities. As they say, only death and taxes are for
There are cultural and personal developmental issues
here. One developmental issue is that adolescents typically see the
world as opening up and full of possibilities, while adults typically
see the world as closing-down and full of lost chances, bad choices and
other people’s boundaries. When adolescents and adults live together or
work together, there may be tension between these different views about
the pr and the abilities of each age-group to
literally understand the views of the other.
Development occurs within culture and takes its
shape from that context. Some cultures are more now-oriented, while
others are more laid-back. Development and culture give shape to
anyone’s (an individual’s, a group’s and a community’s) ability to plan,
to analyse, and to consider short and long term like consequences. It is
not that kids simply have “ants in their pants” or “too much energy” or
“too many hormones.” While this may be true, it is not the
whole story. This may be one of those tensions between adolescents and
adults which both must learn to live with.
6. Adults think they have to be in
charge, and kids want a chance to be in charge.
The tension between adolescents and adults over who is or should be in
charge is related to issue of power, control, and to our old friends,
“experience” and personal development. To most adults, it is simply
inconceivable that teenagers believe that they could or should be in
charge of a task or a project or a programme. The idea usually never
enters the adult mind. It is simply in the “natural order of things”
that the older, more experienced person is in charge of the younger
person: It has “always been that way”. Why change it?
Many youth agree with this and don’t even consider
the idea that they could be in charge, and think that the issue is not
one of more vs. less experience, but the appropriateness of the
experience.
But there is more to this. Other youth, including
two in my family, accept the principle that age matters, but use it
differently. Most people seem to believe that the older person, the
adult, should be in charge. My kids believe that the younger
person should be in charge of some things. In other words, the
decision about who should be in charge must be made in the context of
the specific activity under consideration and the specific individuals,
including their relevant experiences.
Age discrimination is illegal. Except that these
laws do not protect youth from discrimination resulting from adult and
adolescent blindness to the possibility that youth, with
appropriate guidance and supervision, could be in charge.
Leader, boss, supervisor, parent and employer are
different words for being in charge. Each of these is a learned role
that one learns by doing, along with guidance and supervision. Hence, it
is an adult responsibility to encourage youth to try out the
responsibilities and the rights of being in charge.
Out of the incredulity of both can come adults with
confidence in the ability of youth to learn what they the adults can
teach about being in charge, and a willingness to learn from youth what
they can teach about what it is like to be the person who is supervised.
Youth can also suggest alternate ways to lead and supervise.
7. Adults can ‘hang in there’ longer
than kids, who get bored easily and quickly and want a change
of task or job.
Here again is “time,” but now in a different set of clothes. The tension
here between teenager and parent has to do with words such as
“patience,” “deferred gratification,” “endurance” and
“stick-to-it-ness.”
Adults are thought to do these better than
adolescents. Perhaps in general adults are better able than adolescents
at “hanging in there.” In one sense, all of this is just another way to
say someone is “responsible”, that is, the person will “stick to the job
... until it’s done.” Part of making it in the adult world is by
“hanging in there.” Why? There aren’t a lot of choices for the adult who
won’t or can’t. In fact, we have special words for those adults:
“irresponsible, crazy, immature, undependable.” Adult society on the
community level, in families and in the work place, is built around
adult willingness to be there over “the long haul.” Adult boredom
is not a recognised personal or social problem by society. But kids can
and do “get bored” relatively easily and quickly. Part of this is
physiological and in other ways developmental. And also, no doubt, part
of this is a valid and authentic reaction to work which is truly boring.
However, don’t forget that kids use the word boring to cover a wide
variety of feelings. “Boring” (as in BO-RING!) is a code word.
It may be that the core issue here is that workers
are expected to hang-in regardless of whether or not the work is boring,
while kids still want to fight the system of work which makes
it hard for adults to resist doing work they don’t think is meaningful,
or work that is organised in a boring way, or the like. In other words,
on this issue many youth are true radicals who are, often without
awareness, challenging the very way we organise work in our society] and
the way our lives are given form or shattered or whatever by this work,
its meaning or meaninglessness, and how it is organised.
Fortunately, part of “growing up” in our society is
for most an opportunity to struggle with this issue. Unfortunately, many
don’t have this chance and become bored, unhappy and “lost” adults. What
is frightening about this issue is that the very nature and place and
amount of work in our society is changing dramatically, with the
possible consequence that many in our society will never hold regular,
paid employment. What will happen to boredom then?
8. Adults think that it will be too
expensive& and that kids don’t understand this, while kids believe
that adults can get the money if they want to.
This is the reality of money as mediated by power, fantasy and naiveté.
Adolescents with little or no work experience and those with little
experience of having and spending money (i.e. poor kids or kids not
living in a money economy) seem not to be able to fully understand how
much life costs — whether it is clothes, a colour TV or a particular
programme. Often youth believe that adults can do it, if only they want
to. We only wish we could! Adults who work hard for their money, or to
raise money for a programme, often lose patience when adolescents talk
and argue and tease about money. In our society, money is tied in to so
many other issues that it is hard to be reasonable and rational about
it. This is another domain in which youth can be guided to an
appreciation of life as adults see it, live it and feel it, while adults
can be reminded of the sometime purity of naive belief!
9. Adults really don’t respect kids, but
expect kids to respect them.
This is a real tension which can’t be lessened easily. While it is not
present in some cultures, it surely is in many others. Adults rarely
respect youth as an age-class, a category of people, or particular
youth, individuals. They rarely have practice in how to do this, and
they rarely want youth to teach them about this. Youth have few
sustained contacts and relationships with adults, if family and school
are excluded. In small villages and in some tribes, such relationships
can and do develop, while they are far more rare in the larger world. In
the “old days,” age, wisdom and respect were joined, but this is
changing as knowledge changes so quickly and is itself separated from
wisdom. Age, too, is increasingly separated from knowledge, and it is
often the young who create and master the “new ways.” Obviously, respect
it is said that it must be earned. Maybe respect is
not something we can work directly to bring about. Instead, it may be a
result of how we are with others. That is, respect comes to be in
relationships and shows itself in how we live with others. It is neither
a method nor a technique, but simply a way of being-with.
10. Adults think that they know how to
work on a project with kids and kids think they don’t know how to work
on a project with adults.
There is often great discomfort and even distrust when
adults and youth try to work together on a common project. There are
many sources of these feelings — developmental, cultural, existential
and personality, among them — and there is no simple way to dissipate
this tension. What is possible is for adolescents and adults to
recognise the feelings and expectations about each other, which each has
learned as children in their own families, in school, in the community
and at work, and to use this recognition consciously to choose whether
they want to try to get along with one another — even to understand each
other. Getting to this stage is the hard part. The easy part is jointly
practising how to work together. In every way, the process is the same
for any two people. Every day, men and women, girls and boys, tribal
people and white, western and eastern, have the opportunity to see
difference, to look across some line separating them, and to
choose. My hope is that each of us, regardless of age, will have the
wisdom and courage to cross the boundary lines which we think keep us
In the end, we must work together, whether we think
we can or not. The world depends on that. The world depends on us!
This feature: Baizerman, M. (1994). Adolescents
and Adults: why working together seems impossible. The Child Care
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